Sad and Alone...(my letter to the boys)

It seems to be a constant theme in my life...when things go wrong...when my world gets turned upside down...I turn to you. My 5 guardain angels. More than once you have lured me back from the brink with your words...they speak to me on a different level...one that I think no one could understand. The depression...the darkness...it creeps in on me and suffocates me...I cling to anything I can get my head around...yes I said head, not hands...it's my head that defies me...it is the thing that turns against me and before long my heart follows. From there its a downward spiral.

My world turned upside down years ago...that was the first time I experienced the depression...then came the anxiety...I've come to realize that it is just part of who I am...something that makes me, me. Unfortunately my family and friends don't see that...they have "given up" on me...that too is a constant in my life...

There has only ever been one thing that has been able to soothe me, console me...lift me up and make me function again and that is the music of my 5 favorite guys from Boston. Today, at the age of 33 I sit here, like I did when I was 12, and listen to your words. I allow them to lull me...to inspire me...to make me smile, even the smallest smile...I have to tell you that as I get older the depression and anxiety are harder and harder to fight...I'm so tired of fighting...sometimes I feel like giving up would be so much easier on me and those around me...I hate saying that...I hate that I cannot control my thoughts and feelings...I hate that I am so dangerous...even to myself.

You are more than I could have ever imagined you could be to me...more than I ever thought I would need you to be...please, stay with me, as long as you can...grow with me...watch me become strong and independent again...let me have the chance to thank you...really thank you...my life, I owe to you...
Always,Kelly